The struggle is real

Really not feeling good today, or yesterday. Cancer, it won't surprise you to hear, can be a nails-hard bitch. Today I have been apocalyptically tired, wobbly, easily confused, hot, sweaty, clumsy, permanently spooked, jumpy, tense, emotional, physically weak, fearful over nothing. Bit of a shambles really. I don't like it. Still, tomorrow's tomorrow, which might be different. And knowing this disease, it probably will be.

Called my oncology team today. They were supposed to send me the results of my last scan, which was itself four months late, and finally took place two weeks ago. They didn't send it, though. Why? Nobody knows. Further arse-kicking apparently needed tomorrow, then. None of this is helping matters.

This might be the start of the phase I'll call 'digging in'. For the first time in months, I am actually a bit fearful today. It's real, and it's not going to stop.

If it's right, or right enough, do it.

 "There is a tide in the affairs of men, Which taken at the flood, leads on to fortune. Omitted, all the voyage of their life is bound in shallows and in miseries. On such a full sea are we now afloat. And we must take the current when it serves, or lose our ventures."
William Shakespeare, Julius Caesar.

I am waiting for a long-overdue scan. I have a feeling the result will be bad. I have been in bed this morning, but was awake, worrying, at 0430. This causes my symptoms to make their dubious presence felt.

So: tired + stressed + (symptoms arising from stress) = tired, symptomatic and stressed.

These are the days I would skip altogether. The sun is out, and you are at nursery. You're due back soon, all hot and bothered, and you'll probably go to bed. The dog hasn't eaten. I have. 

I feel no better. Some days, everything is a task, to be tackled or avoided. There is no point to sunshine on days like this. It just makes me hotter, which I do not need.