What I Know, As Of Today

1. The Better Half is going to overtake me soon

2. Bid writing is a waste of time

3. My new role will be more interesting and varied

4. My new boss is better than my old boss

5. I will get to live in the South West in a nice house without fear of penury and with lots of interesting benefits, both financial and lifestyle-based. I will also inherit a true 'bonus' because of getting a house before needing to spend it all on a house.

6. I veer from relaxed and amenable to furiously outraged on a daily basis, with protracted stops along the way at despondent, cynical, nervous, incensed and  unhappy I am also lonely, and especially feel overlooked by what remains of my family and now my bosses.

7. I have worked hard for five years and, besides being able to move house and receive a wage which allows me to live reasonably comfortably, I have not progressed one inch. My job, and the way it is done, is the same now as it was on November 4, 2008. There are more forms, yes, but nothing else is better or more interesting. I still don't know what I am for, in a work context.

8. This is not the path. The path is always 'over there.' Wherever 'there' may be, it is always just a few yards further on, or just over that rise, or just on the other side of this lake. It is never, ever, 'here.'

9. Self-worth and validation have not been generated by anything I've /done/ for the last three years. Self-worth has been generated by knowing that those around me value my contribution, that my contribution is highly beneficial and takes a level of skill to achieve. A move to a more overtly creative, more self-supporting role is therefore essential for wellbeing.

10. I am getting less interested in office politics and more prone to creative impulses/thought patterns as I get older. I assumed that this would be the other way around. As I narrow down on forty, though, all I can think of that might make me really happy is to make things. Print things. Sell things I've made, and brought into being from inside my head to inside someone's house. Screenprinting and graphic design are beautiful, peaceful things that make me happy. They will not, however, pay for a new hat. Therefore...

11. I will /have/ to monetise one of my numerous but undeveloped hobbies, purely for my own sanity

12. I want to become really fucking good at something, so I'm going to go on lots of courses, set up a web presence, develop a brand, and launch my own company. As a sole trader, if it works, I will be better off financially than either of us is at the moment. Then I will feel less emasculated and more purposeful. 

13. I need to book another course, and over a number of weeks, really learn a new skill. I have to drive, but that can wait. A new skill - web design, printing, Photoshop, marketing, app design, surfing etc would be amazing things. This must be done, and London is the best place in the UK to do it.

I feel better.